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|7th July 2002 - Page 2|
Whats hell all about, anyway?
|The following is a
true story.A thermodynamics professor gave his graduate students a take home exam. It had
one question: "Is hell exothermic(gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law or some variant to show either that hell was exothermic (generating heat
faster than it is lost, resulting in a buildup of heat) or endothermic (generating heat
slower than it is lost, resulting in a loss of heat). One student, however, wrote the
following: First we must postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. So,
at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? i.e. what is
the rate of change of mass of hell. I think that we can assume that once a soul gets to
hell, it will not leave. Eternal damnation is pretty much final. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in
the world today. Many of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and
people generally do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that everyone is
damned by lack of adherence to one religion or another, and so all people and all souls go
to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
hell, and therefore its mass, to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass (of souls) and the volume needs
to stay constant. We arrive therefore at two possible hypotheses : 1. If hell is expanding
at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and
pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. 2. On the other hand, if hell
is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate
given to me by a girl in my class in college that : "It'll be a cold night in hell
before I go out with you" ... and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in dating her, then Hypothesis 2. cannot be true. Hence, hypothesis 1. must be
correct: Hell is exothermic. [The student got the only A in the class.]
(This story has been taken off the internet)
These signs have allegedly been spotted in public use. It's fairly safe to say they weren't, but the play on words is very good!
Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car.
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything -- bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened.
Open tomorrow.Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any person passing this point will be drowned, by order of the district council.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with the letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how and where to get the approriate lessons.
If Microsoft Built Cars...
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just acceptthis and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop, failto restart, and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strangereason, you'd just accept this too.
4. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea whathappened.
5. Someone else - say, a company called Macintosh - would make a carthat was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, and twice as easy todrive. But, it would only run on one road in twenty.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades totheir cars which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, engine, petrol, and alternator warning lights would bereplaced by a single "ERROR" warning light.
8. New seats would require everyone to have the same size backside.
9. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless youbought a "Car95" or a "CarNT." But, then you'd have to buy more seats.
10. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
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